best western rio grande inn albuquerque

O...to share my thoughts.

grades. The biggest fear of my life. Failure.
im good at it.
but i pushed too hard and my voice left...
so i guess i need to compromise.

thats done with.

money. The second biggest fear of my life. Debt.
im pretty good at it.
retail therapy? i dont need it.
what i do need is to pay bills. For my checks to go through. For my credit to be good. To eat.

fuck my house is filthy.
four more weeks in this place.
no more scared walking outside.
no more snowed in on gamedays.
no more 600 dollars or more a week for my parents to spend.
no more stalker.
no more bugs.
no more dirty ness.
no more living without my baby.
no more living without cable.
no more living on canned foods.
no more bumpy washer.
no more dealing without a dishwasher.
no more defrosting the damned freezer.
no more bastard talking to me and taunting me.
no more missing steven so bad sometimes it hurts.
no more asking for money.
cj will have her own room to make noise in:)

also...
no more having my own place.
no more having space.
no more privacy.
no more convenience.
more gas money.
more commuting.
more living out of a suitcase.
no more dancing in front of my mirror.
no more staying up at night.
more questioning of my personality.
more judgement of me.
less comfort...from a full to a twin.
more listening to racists speak.
more screaming at each other.

im old fashioned.
i miss daniel.
i should get over that.

my heart will kill me if i dont.

i miss sonequa.
i miss learning from people above me.
theres no one left...just me...
the fifth year still here.
but showcase is looking promising, ill be leaving soon

but grades. Grades. Classes.
my...doom...lies...here.
two failed tests in astronomy,
one in geography,
one in history,
two in each lab,
can i pass a test, please? i mean, please?

tutoring center...not doing your job.
i would give anything for my dream to happen.
for me to be judged strictly on my strength...performing...acting.
ive no strength in academics.im so tired of trying to be something im not, never have been since kindergarten.
im tired of the broken record that sounds like me crying because ive failed a class again.
im tired of the broken record of my parents disappointment and frustration that they just wasted a couple thousand dollars on another class i didnt get through or credit for.
im tired of my heart hurting when they are so in debt...because of my stupid mind.
im tired of my best never being good enough.
im tired of being told..."dont have a defeatist attitude...if you think youll fail you will...youre just not pushing hard enough..." FUCK YOU.
im tired of having a positive attitude and seeing it come to nothing.
im exhausted from asking for help and not getting it.
"figure it out for yourself," they say. "youre the only one struggling, we cant accomodate every student."

IM SO TIRED OF BEING INADEQUATE.
may i die and really seriously just release the pressure on my spirit?
how is something like this really teaching me something?
im causing so much pain for my family...
im lost. And i dont know what to do to fix it.
it is like ive already lost...but i want to keep trying...but it seems useless.
im scared. Im hurting. Im sick. Im down.

o.......the humility.
o.......to feel so USELESS.
o.......to feel so UGLY.
o....................................................................music. Heal me.

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