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I went back to SJ this weekend to work and do free laundry. It was good to see my family, and Saturday night was the Marti�Brom show at the Blank. After work I�took the bus from the store and met Stacy at Hawgs. We hit up the Caravan after that and after that�went headed for the Blank. I really miss Drunk�Tuesdays. Only this time, Stacy got drunk before like, nine, so we had to talk about her fears and feelings and stuff. That was okay though. We got inside and the first band I�recognzied. I donapos;t know their name but I had seent hem before and, eh. Whatever. Not super cool. Not awful. Then the second group came up and we were like... Whoah. The lady up there singing was all womanly and stuff and a total belter. She had this awesome dress that was like, leapord print on the front and bright red on the sides and her lipstick was SO�RED and glittery. She wore a classy set of pumps and I even like, I�dunno, danced a little. We so thought she was Marti Brom until the end of her set when she said, up next, Marti�Brom Oops

Then I�realized I did not have my keys any longer. Yes, they are gone. Totally killed my night. Fortunately Greg is so awesome and dropped me off at my parentsapos;. My dad had a spare key for my jeep and drove me up there today. Those FUCKERS who run the apartment charged me fifty bucks to let me back into my place and they say it is an addional fifty dollars for every key needing replacement. Now, I have a spare set for the building and my studio, and the laundry room key I do not actually need, as the doorjamb is so worn down you merely need to pull the door and it opens. In fact it if you attempt to unlock it, it will not open.

HAHAHA�OH�SAN�FRANCISCO.



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DAY 198
10.19.07
TREE 121

With the leaves finally ( and quickly) turning to the beautiful warm fall colors I wanted to climb a tree at the Mount.� I am lucky that I am still here and can do so easily.� I walked passed the labyrinth through the woods.� I wanted a tall tree so I could get some good pictures of the colorful expanses of the sanctuary.� But in the dense woods the trees are tall, but low branches are few.� I tried climbing up a young tree and bending it to a large one, but that didnapos;t work.� Just beyond that was the tree I climbed.� Its leaves still mostly green with little bits of deep red on a few.�

This climb was a good challenge with lots of hard reaches and tricky passages.� It is always difficult to have only one branch to hold onto, lift myself up with, get on top of, and then go up further.� It takes a lot of particular holds and good balance.� Sometimes lots of trunk hugging.�

I pushed up to the top on thin limbs.� The wind gusted occasionally tossing me a bit.� It made me nervous but Iapos;ve come to expect the movement and to trust that the small limbs can handle my weight.�

Unfortunately this tree did not provide a good view of the expanses.� Just what was nearby.� And not too many colorful leaves.�

But at least I climbed in daylight.� That really felt good.� I then realized I had forgotten ribbon again and carved shallow notches on a branch.� Then I climbed down letting gravity make those difficult reaches and tricky passages easier.�

Itapos;s really starting to look like fall, though itapos;s still warm.

10-19-08:� This fall, the 2008 fall, has been very similar to last years.� The warm weather has lasted and the leaves are turning later.� But now they are really starting to change, and fall, quickly.� I was looking forward to this, but as I bike down the road and the cool air gets under my shirt collar I think... Damn, I could go back to warm weather (Iapos;m not ready).� I guess Iapos;ll just have to start layering.� As any biker knows, no matter how cold it gets, after biking a while, you just get hot.� But I just equipted my bike with fenders and lights, and Iapos;ve pulled out the rain coat, gloves, and face mask so I am ready for the worst.�

I went to my parents yesterday to switch vehicles with my dad for my coming trip to Ohio for my opening.� I also did some laundry and got some more of my things to make my new house feel more like home.� In the late afternoon I went outside to see what my dad was up to.� I helped him fix the fence which was damaged by the fallen trees in the Ike storm.� Then I went and climbed two trees just in the corner of the property by the back the house.

I climbed up the little one and leaned my back against the larger one when I rested momentarily as I readjusted my holds.�

I reached the first limb of the smaller tree and reached my foot back to stand on the first limb of the larger tree.� As I stood there and looked for a path higher up my dad told me of a guy he saw on TV.� He had a bottle of brandy up in a tree and drank the whole bottle.� He was rip-roaring drunk and the cops came to tell him to get down.� He threw the empty bottle at them and they said he was under arrest and to climb down.� The drunk man refused and told them cops to come get him.� Then, for unknown reasons, he began to climb down (possibly because he had to pee) and slipped and fell a long way down.� This story made him think of me.� Nice.

After the story I went back to the smaller tree and climbed up a little higher then transferred back to the larger tree on a long branch.�

If you look close at the branch in the picture above you see some seed like things.� That is an old pile of animal poo.� Not sure what kind but probably raccoon.

I climbed past the poo and situated myself on a nice branch to take some pictures.�

I shifted my focus upward to take some more shots of the changing poplar leaves.�

Then I heard a little scratching noise.� I looked up and spotted a squirrel with a nut in his mouth.

He tried to sit still and act like invisible.� But I just stared at him and wasnapos;t trying to be still or silent myself.� I guess I loosened him up because he just started to turn and face me.� We watched each other for a while.

Look at that nut in his mouth.� It wasnapos;t long after that last picture that he just took off down the trunk and jumped to another tree.� It was a nice interaction while it lasted.

I climbed back to the smaller tree when I was all done shooting and enjoying the sunshine.� I slid down the trunk of the rough hackberry to the ground satisfied with this climb.� Iapos;ve had some duds lately so it was nice to have a good experience.�

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Ever have a dream so good about real life that you thought it was real and then just got mad when you woke up to find out it was crap? :P

I just had one...

Makes me miss certain people relatives, certain situations of the past. The dreams like that are basically focused on nostalgia. Usually for me, they consist of how you WOULD have liked something to happen, how you want to live, or things you have done with certain people.

Funny how dreams like that work their way through an entire scenario (or scenarios), making you believe itapos;s really going on, and then *Boom*.. Lets wake up and step back into the foul reality that we live in.

Or maybe Iapos;m just lonely and my brain satisfies itself while I sleep. :P
So wrong... Thanks alot Brain



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After the death of our unborn I was really depressed, and weak. I kept doubting that anything would get better or even just make my life worth living again. We stayed together even though every time i looked into her eyes i could just feel my insides start to burn. Those dark tear blinded eyes. (I wonder if our child would have her eyes.) I still canapos;t understand how someone can lie and decieve the one they love like that. How could she cause so much pain to one person and expect them to forgive you right after. Ten days later i just couldnapos;t handle it anymore.I had trouble eating, I lost interest in almost everything i used to love.I started�to have trouble sleeping,�the dreams, or should i say nightmares, were too much to handle. All the things one has forgotten or suffered�screams�out for help in dreams. I�had literally become a zombie wondering around slowly. I had no idea that something could have such�a big impact on my life,�I thought i was one of�those�young and careless teens that older people always talk abut, but that was not true. I wish i was emotionless and didnapos;t care about anything�as most people thought, but that was not the case. If anything i think i cared way too much for someone�my age.
So we decided to break up just to separate for awhile, but i knew�this would last longer than we�expected. It was tough, she couldnapos;t stop crying, she went on and on�about how she�never meant to hurt me but she had to do what she did. She explained�if she hadnapos;t then my life�would have been ruined,�my parents would be dissappointed, my sister would find out and probably be angry about our relationship, and i would most likely drop out of school. It�was hard to listen to�what she�was saying because she was crying so hard but me, I was just standing there. Blank�expression on my face, numb feeling all over my body, it felt like I had a stone hiding behind my sternum.�
A few days went by and i hadnapos;t seen or talked to her but i still couldnapos;t get her out of my head. Then a letter showed up addressed to me but not signed. Even though�there was bo name i still knew�who it was from. I knew the�hand writing from all the�little love letters, although this time teh writing�had a different tone to it.

��

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O...to share my thoughts.

grades. The biggest fear of my life. Failure.
im good at it.
but i pushed too hard and my voice left...
so i guess i need to compromise.

thats done with.

money. The second biggest fear of my life. Debt.
im pretty good at it.
retail therapy? i dont need it.
what i do need is to pay bills. For my checks to go through. For my credit to be good. To eat.

fuck my house is filthy.
four more weeks in this place.
no more scared walking outside.
no more snowed in on gamedays.
no more 600 dollars or more a week for my parents to spend.
no more stalker.
no more bugs.
no more dirty ness.
no more living without my baby.
no more living without cable.
no more living on canned foods.
no more bumpy washer.
no more dealing without a dishwasher.
no more defrosting the damned freezer.
no more bastard talking to me and taunting me.
no more missing steven so bad sometimes it hurts.
no more asking for money.
cj will have her own room to make noise in:)

also...
no more having my own place.
no more having space.
no more privacy.
no more convenience.
more gas money.
more commuting.
more living out of a suitcase.
no more dancing in front of my mirror.
no more staying up at night.
more questioning of my personality.
more judgement of me.
less comfort...from a full to a twin.
more listening to racists speak.
more screaming at each other.

im old fashioned.
i miss daniel.
i should get over that.

my heart will kill me if i dont.

i miss sonequa.
i miss learning from people above me.
theres no one left...just me...
the fifth year still here.
but showcase is looking promising, ill be leaving soon

but grades. Grades. Classes.
my...doom...lies...here.
two failed tests in astronomy,
one in geography,
one in history,
two in each lab,
can i pass a test, please? i mean, please?

tutoring center...not doing your job.
i would give anything for my dream to happen.
for me to be judged strictly on my strength...performing...acting.
ive no strength in academics.im so tired of trying to be something im not, never have been since kindergarten.
im tired of the broken record that sounds like me crying because ive failed a class again.
im tired of the broken record of my parents disappointment and frustration that they just wasted a couple thousand dollars on another class i didnt get through or credit for.
im tired of my heart hurting when they are so in debt...because of my stupid mind.
im tired of my best never being good enough.
im tired of being told..."dont have a defeatist attitude...if you think youll fail you will...youre just not pushing hard enough..." FUCK YOU.
im tired of having a positive attitude and seeing it come to nothing.
im exhausted from asking for help and not getting it.
"figure it out for yourself," they say. "youre the only one struggling, we cant accomodate every student."

IM SO TIRED OF BEING INADEQUATE.
may i die and really seriously just release the pressure on my spirit?
how is something like this really teaching me something?
im causing so much pain for my family...
im lost. And i dont know what to do to fix it.
it is like ive already lost...but i want to keep trying...but it seems useless.
im scared. Im hurting. Im sick. Im down.

o.......the humility.
o.......to feel so USELESS.
o.......to feel so UGLY.
o....................................................................music. Heal me.

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